f.r.i.e.n.d.s

surf my facebook account. and sentap kejap. one of my friend who just come back from states was having a good day with my other friend. and i really don't have any idea that she was back home! ok tipu, i do know that she will come back, but i don't know it was happened for about a week! and she was going out, chilling out with the friend that i love. tak tahu mana silap (i guess i know - i am the one who isolate myself from them), they never bothered to tag me along at their so-annoying photos. pfffffttt.

yes. aku admit aku yang banyak buat salah terhadap kawan-kawan. i isolate myself. aku tak respond kat wassap group. even aku tak respond to any facebook photos they tagged me. 

aku still rapat dengan few of good friends from sekolah rendah. we still called ourselves as best-friend-forever. we still wassap-ing each other here and then, but somehow i don't really share with them about by TTC journey - my strong desire to have children. it is just so hurtful when two of them were easily conceived without even try! walaupun tak pernah diorang question kenapa aku tak preggy lagi or do i plan not to have a baby - aku tak rasa perlu untuk berkongsi semua tu dengan mereka. i seriously never believe that those who easily conceived are able to understand my feeling. even my so-called-BFF! anyhow, i love them so much, i will do anything for them.

masa sekolah menengah, aku ada 'klik' sendiri. 6 of us. 3 of us dah jadi mummy. masing-masing siap dah ada 2 anak. another 2 belum kahwin. again, its kinda hurt me everytime they update their mummy-hood journey. they can chit-chattting non-stop about their babies, how tiring but awesome journey they had, bla bla bla bla. and 3 of us (myself and the other two who hasn't married yet) will just keep quite. yang paling senyap aku lah, sebab sentap. huhu. aku tau, dorang takde maksud pun nak sakitkan hati aku, they just excited and embraced their good parents life. tapi semua ni buat aku rasa kecil. 

move to uni life - ada few bunch of good friends. but unlike those during school life, i don't consider them as my bff. some friends - we can share everything, that i consider them as my bff. some - are judgemental - so tak semua benda boleh share sama-sama. and masa uni, kawan-kawan datang dari background yang berbeza. most of them not from klang valley, jadi ada banyak beza kat situ dari segi lifestyle, cara pemikiran and whatsoever. not saying i'm too urban, but i do love branded item, enjoy good-sometime expensive food, errrkk so into boy (haha, DH will kill me for this annoying statement), enjoy shopping sooooo much and bla bla bla. 

TAPI..aku betul-betul appreciate friensdhip masa uni life ni. teman study (i study really hard during my degree), teman skip class, teman makan, teman yang pujuk aku bila frust bercinta..but towards the end of my degree, kitorang macam makin jauh. aku salahkan diri aku sebab selalu sangat balik rumah and tak stay kat hostel with them. and sibuk sangat dengan boyfriend masa ni (when my other housemate masa ni semuanya single). and suddenly ada orang bagi tau yang diorang jealous dengan aku, like wth? akhirnya masa last paper on my final year, i just leave them like that. yes, my fault. 

masa buat master, aku still baik dengan few of my degree friends yang continue study gak. rapat-rapat macam tu je. kadang-kadang keluar sama-sama, tengok wayang. share our dream to complete our master + phd, cerita pasal nak kawen, bla bla bla. then aku terpaksa masuk one research group yang berbeza dengan kawan-kawan aku ni. with different research, different schedule, aku memang tak dapat nak join all of their activities. mula-mula dorang ajak gak aku keluar makan sama, tengok wayang, bowling, jogging sama-sama - tapi lama kelamaan sebab aku sentiasa tak dapat join sebab sibuk dengan labwork and data collection - kitorang makin jauh. makin kurang call dari diorang, makin kurang sms-es (masa ni wassap belum ada) and finally kitorang dah jadi tak rapat. still baik kalau berjumpa, still masih boleh bergurau, but no sparks at all. truth is, i actually missed them. sometimes, kitorang message kat facebook (huh?), they still remember my birthday, but we are not close anymore.

dari semua flashback memori ni, memang nampak aku yang salah. i love all my friends, tapi entahla...i don't bother to keep in touch (but secretly i do follow their life update). 

and now, i have few very good friends. kenal masa zaman buat wedding preparation. i love them to bits i wish we can be friends forever. one of them pun TTC gak. pity us. so now i count on my sekolah rendah friends, my sekolah menengah 'klik' and my not-so-new friends!